Emotions result from appraisals of situations in relation to needs. For example, when a situation is deemed to be dangerous fear arises which contains within it the need to find safety.
Emotion ‘dysregulation’ (imbalance) is the reaction to needs not being met. The satisfaction of needs leads to a reduction in feeling and need and creates a greater sense of security and confidence. Satisfying needs leads to a reduction in preoccupation with that need and moving onto other needs. When the need for closeness is met and fulfilled there may arise a need to move away and explore.
When you activate unresolved feelings and unmet needs from the past, they become open to new input. When the sadness of past loss or fear are activated and the unmet need of security or protection is met through soothing and empathising, these feelings can be transformed. Experiences today that meet unmet needs from the past are called ‘corrective emotional experiences’.
When needs are met in the present it leads to the positive expectation that needs will be met in the future, reducing anxiety about getting one’s needs met.
Every emotion involves a specific set of needs. When needs are met, experience flows and emotions are fleeting. If we feel shame but at the same time, we are validated by someone meaningful, we gain reassurance and feel comfortable and confident again.
If needs are not met, we get stuck in suffering. To deal with this suffering people form ‘emotional schematic memories’. These memories hold the unmet needs and the emotional pain that goes with this that acts as a warning signal that can be very loud. This warning signal is how our system seeks to protect us. This signal sounds when we are in a situation similar to the one in which the original pain happened.
People can also protect themselves through ‘secondary emotions’ like anger, hopelessness or anxiety. These cover over the primary emotion but create an imprisonment in bad feelings.
Psychological suffering and emotion pain signal unmet needs. Emotions carry information about whether needs are met or unmet.
The psychological needs that are most commonly not responded to and that leave a legacy of suffering are:
- The need to feel connected and understood. When this need is not met, we are left with sad loneliness and the basic anxiety of insecurity.
- The need to be respected and acknowledged as valuable, appreciated and validated for the person one is and what one does. When this need is not met it leaves a legacy of shame.
- The need for safety and security – when this is lacking there remains a legacy of fear.
Reflection
When a painful emotion arises ask: What is the unmet need embedded within this emotion?